I had this blog entry saved as a "draft" for months. This was right after the clothing line I was working on for 5 months completely fell apart and I could barely bring myself to answer the phone, let alone get out and see anybody.
Such is life, things got better... I "took my mask off" and moved on with life. Instead of hiding this in a virtual vault for ever, I figured - why not share it. Enjoy.
I wasn't always this way you know? LOOKATMEEVERYTHINGISGREATANDIAMENJOYINGLIFEHONESTLYIAMCHECKOUTALLTHESTUFFIDOORMAKE!
I can't do it anymore - I am tired.
There was a time when I felt some pride about my confidence. There was a time when I actually felt comfortable dictating and mapping out my brain on a blog for the whole world to read. There was a time when I could actually hit PUBLISH POST and not give a fuck who reads my brain.
There was...
there was...
THERE WAS... Its gone.
PUT ON YOUR MASK RYAN.
I have spent the last FOUR fucking years with a mask on.
ENOUGH.
RYANROBOT
RYAN THE ROBOT
ROBOTTTTTTT
I AM NOT A ROBOT.
Instead of sticking to the original irony I had for the name "RYAN ROBOT" - I hid behind it. I embraced this virtual moniker and mask so I could hide the sensitive, emotional and confident Ryan that is now suffocating.
I play video games everyday -
ESCAPE.
I watch hours of TV each day -
ESCAPE.
I check my myspace, I check my facebook pages -
ESCAPE.
I watch porn -
ESCAPE.
I drink and I smoke -
ESCAPE.
I take ambien to FORCE myself to fall asleep at night -
ESCAPEMUTEANDSHUTMYBRAINTHEFUCKUP.
All these escape-tactics I use to distract myself from what is real.
My older brother killed himself when he was 19 - why?
The girl I love(d?) simply decided to leave one day - why?
I really have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life - why?
The MASK, It's for you. It's for the girl at the drive thru window. The people I work with. My family. My friends. And certainly for the people that knew me before I put on the mask.
LOOKATME!
I am doing great! I am being great. I am.
blah.
I wrote a blog entry back in 2001 that said:
Ryan is a beauty at 20: moderate brown-skinned, hair short and powerful, slim but not muscular. Plus, Ryan has a gift: Ryan is a mental environmentalist. Ryan's thoughts are not controlled in the same manor as the social majority: he refers to it as UN-robotic motivations.
I really felt like I was one step ahead than everyone else.
I was 23 when all my confidence vanished. I lost my job and started to put on my mask and next thing I know, she was gone. Everything I thought I was, or thought I knew - was gone.
I was...
I was...
I WAS.
Ryan is a beauty at age 27, moderate brown-skinned, hair short and powerful, slim but not muscular. PLUS Ryan has a gift: Ryan (FILL IN THE BLANK)
Labels: depression
